I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
