I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Someone signed my nipple.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
