ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
