I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
