Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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