hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
