While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
