Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
