never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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