The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
