why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
