you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
