Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
