bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
