I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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