So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
