I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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