Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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