I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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