1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
