Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
