so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
