yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This baby is an asshole
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
