Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
