i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
