They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
