If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
