Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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