what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
