He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
