i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
