Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
