Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
