i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
