Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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