My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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