its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
