I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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