Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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