I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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