captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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