I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
