i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
