This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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