I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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