I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
