the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
