Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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