so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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