I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
